Grieving Ginny

In May, I unexpectedly lost my favorite person ever -- my Gramma. In today's episode, I get extremely vulnerable and share what grief has looked like for me over the last two months. It has been super healing for me to share my grief journey, and I hope it'll be healing for anyone else navigating the rollercoaster of loss. 

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Transcript

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If you were here, it's probably because you're permissive from the chump, and you're coming up and learning new ways to become the hummus version of your symbol. Learn your looking symbol. Let's get ready to blow. Hello everyone. Welcome back to a new episode of She Glow's. And if you found me some other way, I lost my grandmother in May. And if you don't follow me on social media, you didn't have the joy of seeing Ginny's presence, knowing Disney Ginny's presence, and um just really grasping what she meant to me. Um, so I'm gonna try to share that as best as I can in today's episode. I have gone through so many different feelings and emotions over the last almost two months, and I'm really just trying to make sense of it all. I'm trying to navigate it the best that I can, and um I knew that whenever I got around to making an episode, it was going to be around my grief. And one, because it's been so helpful for me, but two, because I think that grief and grieving in a healthy way has not been talked about and is not talked up about enough. I know for me growing up, it was kind of like when somebody dies, okay, they die that day, but you move on the next. And that's just kind of the vibe that I've known around grief almost my whole life. And in my late 20s, I did a lot of healing and I did a lot of inner child work, I did a lot of trauma healing, and a few years ago, when one of my best friends passed away, I finally knew how to fully grieve in a healthy way, in an out loud way, in a very personable or personal and vulnerable way, and it was healing and soothing, but also so painful. Because that was the first death that I've grieved, where I allowed myself to fully process it instead of just being upset the day that he passed away and moving on with my life the next day, and with that, I not only grieved Nick, but I also grieved everybody that I lost prior to him because I finally knew how to do it in a way that allowed me to process it and release it and move through it instead of moving over it. And it was a lot, it truly was a lot, but I am grateful for all of the work that I've done over the last upward of a decade to really just allow myself to feel the feels when they come up because I have done so good at learning how to suppress them, and that does no good in the long run. It truly just causes so much more pain, and it it feels comforting and soothing in a way to allow yourself to pe to feel the pain and to share the pain. So that's what I've been doing, like that's what I've learned in my grief journey is how helpful that is for me and how beneficial that has been, and that's what I've been doing throughout my grief journey with Jimmy, with my grandma. Um, any chance that I get, I talk about her. Anytime something comes up that I'm trying to process, or something that reminds me of her, or something that just makes me so fucking angry or upset, I just share it. I share it. I got into this space of like, I just don't care if it feels repetitive, I don't care if it you know makes somebody else uncomfortable. I am just trying to navigate it in a way that feels best for me. And if that means you've heard the story a million times and that means you've heard the story a million times, um it's such a great release, and she, like I said, if you have not had the pleasure of meeting Ginny, whether it'd been in person or knowing her through my social media, she was just such a silly, fun, literally the most popular girl I knew. Everyone absolutely loved her. She was just such a light and so vibrant and just such a good time, always. Granted, she was so stubborn and so set in her ways, and she was very passionate about a lot of things to the point of a little aggressive, um, but all for the right reason. She just had such a big heart, and she truly would have done anything for anyone, but has always done everything for everyone. Um, just given the shirt off her back for so many of us in our family, um, her friends. She was just always down to help, always down to have a good time, and get a little giggle in if she could. Um as heartbreaking as it is, uh, that she is not physically here anymore, and we don't get to experience those times with her, those those memories with her. We don't get to create any any more in-person memories. I have seen a lot of myself in reflection and in looking back and in hindsight, I've seen a lot of her in myself, and we would joke how oh my gosh, you're getting just like grandma, like things like that. But in all actuality, I feel so blessed that there's so many traits of hers that I have, and through that, that is how I am going to carry her legacy on. Um, I remember years ago when I lived with her, she would talk about her funeral whenever the day would come, and she always insisted that it be a celebration instead of a time that we mourn. And she wanted jivy music, upbeat music, people singing and dancing. She wanted cardboard cutouts of herself so she could be at her own funeral, and uh, you know, we we just honored her wishes, and I made sure that there was cardboard cutouts of her at her service because that was her wish, and honestly, it was such a big hit. Everybody loved it, and everybody just the same reaction like that is so Jenny, like that is so her. Um, so I just wanted to share a little bit about her, first of all, um, who she was as a person, but also who she was to me. She was truly my built-in best friend my whole entire life. Um, there was just so many special memories that I have with her because I either lived with her for a majority of my life or I was always at her house if I didn't live with her. And she she was my safe place my whole life. As a child, as a teenager, as an adult. It didn't matter what was going on, I could always count on her. She was the most reliable person in my life to show up for me, to be there for me, to take care of me, to help me, to listen to me, to celebrate with me. She was the only true constant in my life. And that just holds such a special place in my heart. She gave me the best childhood memories. I've had the most fun with her. Like I said, from the time I was a kid to the time I was an adult, I just was my favorite person ever. I really thought that I could make this episode just, you know, with maybe a few tears, but as I talk about her and who she was to me is just it breaks my heart all over again every single time. Um truly the most painful thing I've ever been through, and honestly, one of the most painful things I think I'll ever have to go through. Um, but that's who she was to me. My best friend, my biggest support, my safest space, like truly. Um she was home in a person for me. One of the biggest things I've been struggling with since she passed is the fact that I understand death and what it is, but I am just truly not able to comprehend that she is gone. Like I had mentioned, it's one of those things where you've had this person with you your whole entire life through every single season, every single birthday, every single relationship, every single win, every single loss. Like, and just one day they're no longer here, and I just cannot fucking wrap my head around it. It doesn't make sense to me. It is an unbearable reality to think about, honestly. Um I feel very confused about it more times than not throughout the days. I catch myself just sitting there in utter disbelief because it's just unfathomable to me. And it was such a traumatic experience the day that she passed away because it was two days after my mom's wedding, and me and Juan went up to Pennsylvania for the wedding, and we had the wedding, it was beautiful. She was there, she had a great time, and then the day after the wedding, we had a family picnic, and grandma was her normal self, everything seemed fine, like nothing had happened, nothing traumatic went down, anything like that. And Juan and I were getting ready to go home back on the train that Monday morning, and she was supposed to meet us at 6 a.m. just to like say goodbye. We had some things to give her, and when she never showed up, and it was like 6 07, and I was like, I know it's only seven minutes, but that's just so weird. If she knew we had to be at a place at a certain time, and we drove to her apartment. I tried knocking on all the windows. I'm like, of course, she can't hear me, she doesn't have her hearing aids in, she's sleeping, it's still early. So I called my mom to bring a spare key, and she did. And we went to her bedroom, and I could just tell by the way that she was laying there that she was no longer with us. She just looks so small and frail, and I just almost immediately lost it. And I remember my mom saying, No, hold on, just hold on a second, hold on a second. My mom walked around the bed and she tried shaking her, saying, Mom, mom, you know, like trying to be loud to like wake her up, and I went to go grab her arm, and it was just ice cold. And her eyes were open a little bit, and some of her face was blue, and that is an image that haunts me all day, every day. It is gut-wrenching because no matter how hard I try, I just see flashes of that image of her pass away in my head all throughout the day, but a lot of times, especially when I'm getting ready to go to sleep, and it is just devastating. You know, a few years ago I had found her gray almost dead in our kitchen, um, because she was drowning from fluid in her lungs, and they had to do a lot of work uh to get her back to her health, and parts of me still I have the feeling of like she's not actually dead, they're just working on her and she'll be okay, and that's something that fucks with me a lot too, because in the concept of not being able to comprehend that she's gone, that's what I think is going on in the grand scheme of things. Obviously, I know she's no longer with us, but um in my everyday thoughts in life, that's just kind of where I'm at. I am not only grieving her, I'm grieving the version of myself that I was before she died. I feel like I've lost my spark. I feel like it's hard to want to enjoy things. I want to enjoy things, but it's hard for me to enjoy things. Um every step that I take every single day is a such a cautious step, but also very intentional. I have been working so hard on showing up for myself so I don't completely fall into a deep depression, and that's not who I was before she died. I felt so full of life, and like I said, had a spark to me and felt vibrant and I don't know, alive, and a part of me died the day that she did as well. And it's just honestly scary to think that I will never get that part of myself back. I'll never have the spark I once did. It's like I'm not only grieving her and the loss of her, I'm grieving the loss of being Ginny's granddaughter. And even though I still am, just doesn't feel the same. Something that I've noticed on this journey, which might sound fucked up, but if you've been in my shoes, you know that you really can't help the fucked up feelings. Um, I know that other people know and understand grief, but it feels like they know nothing when it comes to my grief. And there truly just are no right words to say to somebody when they are grieving and when they are feeling as sad and in pain as they are, and it truly is like it doesn't matter what anybody has had to say to me or how they can relate to me, it's almost like you don't get it still, you know, and I know that that's not true, but that's what grief makes me feel like, and I'm like, okay, yeah, you understand grief, but you don't understand my grief, you don't understand my grief of my grandma to me, and although that that feels to be true, it's also even without having the right words to say, because the only right words that anybody could possibly say is, I'll bring your grandma back to life, and then they do it, honestly. Um, but even through that, and you know, knowing that there just truly aren't the right words uh to make anybody feel better through their grieving process, the fact of people just reaching out it has been so comforting and so soothing and so just it feels good even though it fucking hurts, honestly. Um, and with that being said, I'm just so beyond grateful and blessed for the support system that I do have, the friends that I have, the family that I have, um, the partner that I have has just been one blessing out of this very, very, very hard time for me. I think a big part of that with that for me too is obviously no words could ever bring her back. Um, but just the act and gesture of being there for me has been so amazing, but grief also makes me in this space of wanting to be comforted, but also wanting to isolate at the same time because I just like I said, one, I don't have my spark and I don't feel fully alive, and I feel better when I'm completely isolated and shut down, but I also fully appreciate the comfort of my partner, of my friends, of my family. And although I know that they are super understanding, it's almost like sometimes I don't want the comfort because I don't want to have to say anything back or or try to be anything back, which I know that they're not expecting that, but that's kind of how it feels for me. Um but if I did isolate the way that I wanted to, it'd be a very scary time, and I'm not looking to do that. So what a whirlwind. I do feel extremely proud of myself for showing up the way that I've been showing up for myself mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of the things because Brooke from the past, the minute shit hits the fan and life gets hard and you don't know what to do, or you're feeling too much and it's too painful, I would immediately self-sabotage. If I went through this a little while ago, I would have immediately got a new vape, self-sabotaged in all the shit food, stop moving my body, stop you know, connecting with God. Like literally, the first things to go when life gets lifey for me in the past would be all the things that that bettered me and all the things that would allow me to get through. And this time it just wasn't the case. I I've poured so much time and energy and effort into making sure that I am nourishing my body the way that I need to, the way that it deserves. I have taken up running. I have started a new weightlifting program. I am very active in Pilates. I have dove into my Bible or some sort of Bible study every single day. I talk with God daily. Um, and that is just such a blessing in this for me. And something that I think is super special that I have not dove into yet, but I'm excited to dive into when the time feels right for me. Is I have been really working on deepening my relationship with God over this last year, and I it's a journey, it is a journey for sure. And you know, it's something that Ginny had always wished for me, but just like anything, you can't force somebody to do something they're not ready to do. And so over the last couple of months, she's noticed that I've like talked about God more, church, things like that, and I know that she was like super excited about that because she would like make little comments, and as we were cleaning out her place, there was so many little handwritten notes from her of like little journal entries almost of her writing out how God worked in her life in this time, how God worked in her life that time, and they were just scattered all throughout her apartment. And I kept them all so as I'm navigating my relationship with God and my journey with getting to know him on a deeper level, I can see how he worked in her life, and I know that that will not only bring me closer to God, but also keep me close to Jenny, and that is something that I want to make sure always happens. I never want to feel disconnected from her, whether she's physically here or not. Uh, my goal is to make sure that I feel her presence as much as I can. My goal is to make sure that I honor her and a lot of things that I do in life and that I truly allow her legacy to live on. Because, like I said at the beginning of this episode, there's so many things about her that I see in myself that I really love, and you know, I want to make sure that she still lives on, so that is how we are navigating our grief journey over these last two months. It has really broke me in a way that I just know I'll never heal the same to be the same person, but there have been so many beautiful blessings along the way, and I feel very grateful to God that I He's allowed me to have pockets of peace and joy and strength and all of the things that have felt good in the midst of the pain, and that's what I'm gonna continue to pray for every single day. So, thank you so much for tuning into this very emotional episode of She Glows. If you have lost your favorite person and are struggling to navigate the grief of it, I hope that this episode helped or can help you make you feel a little bit lighter throughout the process. The biggest thing I can suggest is to live your life out loud for them and constantly talk about them. Share their stories, share your memories, any little thing that comes up about them that is meaningful to you. I just recommend sharing it. Talk about them till you're blue in the face because it truly feels so good just sharing your memories of that person with other people. It's like you still get to have them live on through you. So again, thank you so much for tuning in. I will catch you here next time on She Glows.